Disappearing Act!

I like how in my last entry, I said that I would update more often... and I failed miserably. My bad! What I've learned since that last entry is you can plan and plan on doing something, but you really never know what life is going to throw at you. Anyways, I have quite a few requests for an update and have had so much to say, just haven't found the time to sit down and type away, until this morning!

Where to begin... 
Well, lets wrap up the year of 2013 for me... had the big wedding, got pregnant, husband and I moved into our first apartment together, sold my precious Scion and bought a family friendly Ford Edge, and got the absolute best Christmas present I could have ever asked for.

Welcome to the world, my sweet girl, Archer Everly Pena. Born at 12:33 AM on 12/23/13 8 lbs, 15 oz 19 in

I will never be able to put into words how much this little squish ball of love has changed our lives. 

Before I get into that though...

I want to make sure I clarify that this blog is going to continue to be centered around health, but there are a few things I need to get off my chest, just as a person, and that is my reason behind this update. 

I had a really rough time becoming a new mom. I also had a much harder delivery and recovery than most new moms have. 

My water broke at 4 AM on the December 22. We took our time getting to the hospital, I wasn't having contractions yet, the nurses said there was no need to rush. Once we got there, things moved pretty quickly. Examined, then admitted, and then the waiting. Since I wasn't having contractions yet, but my water was broken, they had to give me a medication to help speed things along. No, not pitocin, but I don't remember exactly what it was, everything that day is sort of a blur.

Anyways, the contractions started coming good and strong around 11 AM. If there are any husbands reading this and you and your wife have children, please, go hug your wife and tell her how strong she is because labor is no joke. Contractions literally feel like your body is being ripped in half. Did I get an epidural? You're damn right I did. Serious kudos to the women out there who champed it naturally. I have a pretty high tolerance for pain, as most women do, but there was no way my body could tolerate the pain of contractions for so long without a little something to take the edge off. 

So from 11 AM, fast forward to 11:30 PM when they finally told me I could start pushing. With the amount of pain I was in even with the epidural, I needed my precious girl OUT! So after an hour of pushing, Archer was welcomed into this world. 

Everything was perfect, they put her right on my belly, just like I wanted. They delayed cutting the cord for a few minutes, just like I asked. She latched on to eat right away, I thought we had it made. 

After her bath and after letting me eat for the first time in almost 24 hours, the nurses left to give me and my sweet baby some time to bond with my wonderful husband. 

Something didn't feel right.

I called my nurse back in and told her I was feeling pressure on my sutures. She took a look and wide eyed said "oh its just a hematoma, let me have another nurse come in and take a look."

This other nurse didn't beat around the bush. "OMG its the size of a nerf ball!"

My husband, who had been trying to get some rest, wasn't trying to do that anymore. He walked over and I immediately knew something was not right by the look on his face. They had another doctor come in to look at it and she immediately said to get me prepped for the OR. They had to perform what is called a hematoma evacuation. 

OK so a little background on me... the only surgery I have ever gotten was getting my wisdom teeth removed. So here I am, just gave birth, and now they're taking me away from my husband and baby to this huge, bright, white room with all sorts of machines and people rushing to get everything set up. Needless to say, I was scared shitless. I could not stop shaking. 

I was then informed that because I had eaten, they could not put me to sleep. They had to give me a spinal epidural. What I went through was basically the exact procedure that they do for a C-Section, but instead of getting my lower stomach cut open, it was my vagina. Wonderful. 

The anesthesiologist decided to give me something to help calm me down because I'm not kidding when I say I could not stop shaking. I fell asleep for a few minutes finally and when I woke up, they were almost done. 

I was wheeled into a new room to recover. My husband and baby girl joined me and I felt like everything was going to be OK again. After taking my blood and testing my levels though, it was decided I had lost so much blood that I needed a transfusion. 

I had so many tubes everywhere around me, being pumped with fluids and blood, I felt like I was going to pop. And all this time, I was just the food source for my sweet baby. I couldn't get out of bed to hold, change her diaper, or rock her. That's where my husband came in though and I'm not kidding when I say he is an amazing human being and the best daddy to our girl. 

Normal recovery for women who deliver naturally is around 6 weeks. Some recover even faster. After my operation, I had to go back to see my doctor every week for 10 weeks, who kept saying I would probably have to have surgery again, until finally, at my last visit, she said my body had healed itself and as long as I took it slow, I could go back to doing normal things like exercise again. 

Those first few weeks with a newborn are brutal for any new mom. Anyone who says they're not either figured out a way to block it out or they're lying. Sleep deprivation, recovery, trying to figure out exactly what this tiny being needs from you, barely ever getting a chance to eat or go to the bathroom, they all weigh pretty heavy. 

For the first couple of weeks, I cried A LOT. We figured it was just my hormones getting back on track, but after a few weeks, it persisted. I felt completely overwhelmed with everything. My anxiety was off the charts. After talking with Grandma Google, I realized that I was suffering from postpartum depression and anxiety. 

Before I get into this, I need to erase whatever stigma you have about postpartum from your brain. The media makes it seem like this TERRIBLE thing, and while terrible things can result from it being untreated, it is NOT a TERRIBLE thing. It is a real life condition that one in every eight women get after having a baby. 

IT DOES NOT MEAN YOU HATE YOUR BABY. In my case, it was quite the opposite. I am obsessed with my child, if you look at my Facebook or Instagram, you will see how deep this obsession goes. 

A lot of my anxiety rooted from wanting to make sure Archer got everything she needed.

Postpartum is also NOT an IMMEDIATE thing that happens after you have your baby. Some women don't get it until their babies are months old, but it typically reveals itself within the first year.

The problem I am finding when talking about postpartum to friends and family is just how misunderstood it is and how so many women are afraid to admit when they're feeling low. Everyone thinks "oh you just had a baby, you're supposed to be happy." 

I was happy I had my child, extremely happy, but I was also sad. I can't exactly explain where the sadness comes from, but some days it can be so extreme, its crippling.

And to berate yourself for being sad, doesn't make the sadness any better. 

I feel things, to an extreme level. I am thankful for this. These feelings make me who I am. I don't care if people know my life isn't always on some highlight reel. Whose life really is? We all have our issues, and some prefer to hide behind their good times and not admit that those bad times exist. 

But if any of you reading this have ever suffered from postpartum, or even depression and anxiety in general, I want you to know, you're not alone.

Depression can be THE loneliest condition there is. Even when you are surrounded by people who love and care about you. What kills me is people who write it off as nothing, who are ignorant to the fact that is a real thing, and that those who suffer from it need help. 

I started going to counseling, and it helped, but I still couldn't pull myself out of the hole I was in. I'm not really a fan of medications, in the past, they have never done well with me. 

My husband and I knew we had to make some changes in our lives so that I could be happy again, because the best thing you can do for your children is give them happy, healthy parents. My daughter deserves the absolute world from Alex and I, and I have made a promise to myself I'm not going to stop until I can give her that. 

Alex knew I needed to pursue a career for myself now that I have finished school and become a certified health coach, it was always in the game plan anyways. He made arrangements for Archer to go to this amazing daycare so that I could have some time to focus on myself and strategize a game plan for my life. 

I'm still sad some days, but at least I know that Archer is having fun with other babies and not seeing me cry all the time anymore. 

I know its not the ideal situation, but that's the thing with becoming a parent. Things you said you would NEVER do, you end up doing, because in the end, it is WHATEVER WORKS FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. 

Now I am chasing my goals while still being the best mother I can be. I love my little girl, she has showed me how strong I am capable of being. She shows me what true love and joy is with just a smile. Some nights, when I'm rocking her to sleep, I don't want to put her down because I know when she wakes up in the morning, she will be another day older. 

I know I will look back on this and probably regret some of the time I didn't spend with her, but I know I will also look back on this and be grateful we followed this path so that I could take care of myself as well. 

If I have any message to new moms, its don't put yourself on the back burner because you have a baby. Take care of yourself too, even if its going on care.com and looking for a mother's helper a couple times a week. 

Especially my fellow military spouses out there. Postpartum rates are the absolute highest in the military, and it comes with good reason. We have a really tough job. Its OK to ask for help. 

Now, with all of this being said, I am advancing my career as a health coach. I will have updates on that VERY soon. I turn 25 tomorrow and Friday we head to Vegas to celebrate. Things are looking up, for now. I've learned to take it a day at a time. 

More updates coming soon and more frequently, I promise! 

PS

Have a great day!