Tuesday, May 17, 2016

About all this "mom shaming..."


Dear Moms,
           
            We see each other almost every day. It could be in passing at the grocery store, working out at the gym, or one of the weekly park adventures we take our children to, to burn off all that energy they siphon out of us. We see each other and deep down we understand each other, but yet, we are so incredibly critical of one another. If a mom who takes care of herself is seen with a child who is unkempt, it is automatically assumed the mother cares for herself more than her child therefore, she is deemed selfish. If a mom who is still in her pajamas, while her child is combed and cleaned, is seen, it is assumed she is lazy and doesn’t care enough for herself. Whether a mom works to further her career and tend to her individuality, or a mother stays home to tend to her children, the judgement follows. Furthermore, the cloud of judgement that hovers over all of us based on the decisions we make as mothers to our own children is almost suffocating, and a cloud we need to clear in order to join hands and face motherhood as allies instead of enemies.

 
            The assumptions made about mothers based on their appearance or the appearance of their children is quite astounding. How can we be so sure that the mom who shows up to the park play date with her hair and makeup done hasn’t had the roughest week of her motherhood career because her six-week old has yet to sleep through the night and her three-year-old just needed “one more drink of water” before bed, eight different times? As well as maybe a few times after bed. Maybe doing her hair and make-up for a play date is the only way she pulls herself out of those “blues” that are created when you drink a cocktail of sleep deprivation and new motherhood. Her toddler may be unkempt because she was trying to nurse her baby and dress him all at the same time, but decided her sanity was a better look for her son than combed hair


            Another mother shows up to the park play date and wears the bags under her eyes proudly, like the Michael Kors purse she probably would have purchased in her life before she traded in her purse for a diaper bag. Her toddler may be combed and cleaned because after she got him ready for the day, and before they embarked on the mission that is a play date, she folded four loads of laundry while simultaneously making lunch and prepping dinner. She knew her family would never stay on the schedule they so desperately clung to for sanity otherwise. After cleaning the dishes and putting away the clothes, getting out of her pajamas was the last thing she had effort for, since they’d go right back on after the play date anyways. Her family would be taken care of and her toddler would be happy, so what does it matter?


            As one mom gets her kids loaded in the car to spend the day at daycare, while she heads to the office for meetings, appointments, and deadlines, she sees another mom walking by with her two kids cozy with blankets in their top-of-the-line double stroller. They roll their eyes at each other, each judging the other on the decision they are making that morning. “How can you settle for just being a mom?” “How can you leave your children to be taken care of by someone else all day?” These statements overlook the examples each of these mothers are setting. By getting up, getting herself and her kids ready, and going to daycare and work, this mom is showing her son that women are capable, strong and independent. She is showing her daughter that she can do anything and that she doesn’t have to rely on anyone to take care of her. Most of all though, going to work and having a career is what makes this mom happy and feel fulfilled, on top of having two children who are her greatest accomplishments. Not only are her children well taken care of at daycare, but they are socialized and around kids of the same age. 


            As for the mom pushing that stroller, she is dedicating her life day in and day out to children she created. She is guaranteeing that they never have to want for love and affection, because the currency around her house is hugs and kisses. She is there for every boo-boo, every “first,” and every cry. Her days revolve around wake-ups, meal times, kid’s shows, and cuddles. To her children, she is their rock: the foundation from which their growth and love blooms. Either way, both of these women have a 24/7/365 job. There are no sick days or paid vacations that take motherhood away. The working mom still has to get up with her child in the middle of the night when he has a stomach ache and then get up for work the next day. The mother who stays home still has to be “mommy” when she’s suffering from a high fever and body aches. No doubt it’s probably the same virus her child has last week, and the one her other child will get next week. 



            Here is what I’m proposing: instead of judging, try understanding. Think of the last time you decided to wear make-up to a playdate and why that is, and maybe try complimenting the mom who shows up looking more dapper than usual. While your first instinct may be to roll your eyes at the mom in her pajamas, perhaps you should practice empathy and find a time in your career as a mom when making yourself presentable was the last thing you really cared to do. There are so many questions and difficult decisions we make as mother’s, along with the constant uncertainty of “did I do the right thing?” Wouldn’t that question seem less uncertain if you had a tribe to support you, rather than critique your every move? Finally, look at your fellow mom’s as your allies, your confidants, the people with who you can truly relate with the most. They know firsthand what you mean when you reference a “blowout” diaper, or why you don’t wear the color white very often. They understand late night feedings, middle of the night wake ups, and why you probably haven’t washed your hair in a few days. They can relate to the overwhelming joy you feel when you look at your kids and say in your head, “I created you, you are a part of me.” Most of all though, they know that becoming a mom means you experience a fierce, all-consuming love that requires years and years of sacrifice, no matter if you decide to stay home or have a career. The love is the same, so why can’t we work on loving each other and letting that love blow the overbearing cloud of judgement away?


                        Sincerely,
                           A Perfectly Imperfect Mom Like the Rest of You