Dear Moms,
We see each other almost every day.
It could be in passing at the grocery store, working out at the gym, or one of
the weekly park adventures we take our children to, to burn off all that energy
they siphon out of us. We see each other and deep down we understand each
other, but yet, we are so incredibly critical of one another. If a mom who takes care of
herself is seen with a child who is unkempt, it is automatically assumed the
mother cares for herself more than her child therefore, she is deemed selfish.
If a mom who is still in her pajamas, while her child is combed and cleaned, is
seen, it is assumed she is lazy and doesn’t care enough for herself. Whether a
mom works to further her career and tend to her individuality, or a mother
stays home to tend to her children, the judgement follows. Furthermore, the
cloud of judgement that hovers over all of us based on the decisions we make as
mothers to our own children is almost suffocating, and a cloud we need to clear
in order to join hands and face motherhood as allies instead of enemies.
The assumptions made about mothers based on their
appearance or the appearance of their children is quite astounding. How can we
be so sure that the mom who shows up to the park play date with her hair and
makeup done hasn’t had the roughest week of her motherhood career because her
six-week old has yet to sleep through the night and her three-year-old just
needed “one more drink of water” before bed, eight different times? As well as
maybe a few times after bed. Maybe doing her hair and make-up for a play date is the only way she pulls
herself out of those “blues” that are created when you drink a cocktail of
sleep deprivation and new motherhood. Her toddler may be unkempt because she
was trying to nurse her baby and dress him all at the same time, but decided
her sanity was a better look for her son than combed hair.
Another mother shows up to the park play date and wears
the bags under her eyes proudly, like the Michael Kors purse she probably would
have purchased in her life before she traded in her purse for a diaper bag.
Her toddler may be combed and cleaned because after she got him ready for the
day, and before they embarked on the mission that is a play date, she folded
four loads of laundry while simultaneously making lunch and prepping dinner.
She knew her family would never stay on the schedule they so desperately clung
to for sanity otherwise. After cleaning the dishes and putting away the
clothes, getting out of her pajamas was the last thing she had effort for,
since they’d go right back on after the play date anyways. Her family would be
taken care of and her toddler would be happy, so what does it matter?
As one mom gets her kids loaded in
the car to spend the day at daycare, while she heads to the office for
meetings, appointments, and deadlines, she sees another mom walking by with her
two kids cozy with blankets in their top-of-the-line double stroller. They roll
their eyes at each other, each judging the other on the decision they are
making that morning. “How can you settle for just being a mom?” “How can you
leave your children to be taken care of by someone else all day?” These
statements overlook the examples each of these mothers are setting. By getting
up, getting herself and her kids ready, and going to daycare and work, this mom
is showing her son that women are capable, strong and independent. She is
showing her daughter that she can do anything and that she doesn’t have to rely
on anyone to take care of her. Most of all though, going to work and having a
career is what makes this mom happy and feel fulfilled, on top of having two
children who are her greatest accomplishments. Not only are her children well
taken care of at daycare, but they are socialized and around kids of the same
age.
As for the mom pushing that
stroller, she is dedicating her life day in and day out to children she
created. She is guaranteeing that they never have to want for love and
affection, because the currency around her house is hugs and kisses. She is
there for every boo-boo, every “first,” and every cry. Her days revolve around
wake-ups, meal times, kid’s shows, and cuddles. To her children, she is their
rock: the foundation from which their growth and love blooms. Either way, both of these women have a
24/7/365 job. There are no sick days or paid vacations that take motherhood
away. The working mom still has to get up with her child in the middle of the
night when he has a stomach ache and then get up for work the next day. The
mother who stays home still has to be “mommy” when she’s suffering from a high
fever and body aches. No doubt it’s probably the same virus her child
has last week, and the one her other child will get next week.
Here is what I’m proposing: instead
of judging, try understanding. Think of the last time you decided to wear
make-up to a playdate and why that is, and maybe try complimenting the mom who
shows up looking more dapper than usual. While your first instinct may be to
roll your eyes at the mom in her pajamas, perhaps you should practice empathy
and find a time in your career as a mom when making yourself presentable was
the last thing you really cared to do. There are so many questions and
difficult decisions we make as mother’s, along with the constant uncertainty of
“did I do the right thing?” Wouldn’t that question seem less uncertain if you
had a tribe to support you, rather than critique your every move? Finally, look
at your fellow mom’s as your allies, your confidants, the people with who you
can truly relate with the most.
They know firsthand what you mean when you reference a “blowout” diaper, or why
you don’t wear the color white very often. They understand late night feedings,
middle of the night wake ups, and why you probably haven’t washed your hair in
a few days. They can relate to the overwhelming joy you feel when you look at
your kids and say in your head, “I created you, you are a part of me.” Most of
all though, they know that becoming a mom means you experience a fierce, all-consuming
love that requires years and years of sacrifice, no matter if you decide to
stay home or have a career. The love is the same, so why can’t we work on
loving each other and letting that love blow the overbearing cloud of judgement
away?
Sincerely,
A Perfectly Imperfect Mom Like the Rest of
You
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